The Psychology Behind Why We Hold Onto Grudges
People can carry grudges for years — sometimes decades — over things that might seem small to others, but feel deeply personal to them.
Grudges often grow from unresolved pain, betrayal, injustice, or emotional abandonment.
They don’t mean someone is “bitter” — they mean someone is still hurting without closure.
Here’s why grudges tend to stick:
1. Unmet Need for Justice or Closure
When someone hurts us and never apologizes, explains, or acknowledges it, the wound stays open.
The grudge becomes a way of mentally holding them accountable — since they never did it themselves.
2. Sense of Identity and Self-Protection
The grudge becomes part of your story:
“I was wronged.”
It protects self-worth by saying:
“It’s not me, it’s them.”
Sometimes, we cling to the pain as a reminder not to let it happen again.
3. Emotional Rehearsal (Rumination)
The more you replay the event, the more deeply the emotion embeds in your mind.
Rumination carves a deeper groove in your brain, strengthening the grudge over time.
4. Fear of Reopening Old Wounds
Letting go can feel like forgiving too easily or letting them “get away with it.”
It may feel like betraying yourself or saying the hurt didn’t matter.
5. Social Reinforcement
When others validate your anger —
“Yeah, what they did was awful” —
it reinforces the grudge and makes it feel justified, even righteous.
How to Let Go of a Grudge
(Realistically — not just “forgive and forget”)
Letting go doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
It means you no longer want the hurt to control your present.
It’s about freeing yourself, not excusing them.
Here’s how to start:
1. Acknowledge the Grudge Honestly
Don’t suppress it.
Name the emotion:
“I’m still angry… I’m still sad about what happened.”
2. Understand What You Needed But Didn’t Get
Was it an apology, explanation, support, fairness?
Recognizing this shifts focus from them to your unmet needs — which you can now begin to heal.
3. Grieve What You Lost
Sometimes we hold grudges because we never grieved the relationship, trust, or sense of safety that broke.
Allow yourself to grieve it fully. This is hard, but deeply healing.
4. Stop Replaying the Story on Loop
Notice when your mind starts replaying the incident.
Gently shift the thought from
“What they did to me”
to
“What I can do for myself now.”
5. Write It Down — Then Let It Go
Write them a letter you don’t send. Say everything you want to.
Then burn it, shred it, or throw it away.
This symbolic act can feel surprisingly powerful.
6. Remember: Forgiveness ≠ Approval
You don’t have to approve of what they did or let them back into your life.
Forgiveness simply means you stop carrying their mistake on your back.
7. Choose Peace Over Power
A grudge can feel powerful — like holding a sword.
But peace is more powerful: it brings energy, clarity, and freedom.
8. Seek Therapy if It Runs Deep
Some grudges are tied to old trauma or childhood wounds.
A therapist can help unpack these layers gently and safely.
Letting go is a process, not a switch.
You don’t have to rush it —
but you can start gently creating space
for healing instead of replaying the pain.